it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
