new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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