R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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