i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He did a backflip because drugs
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize