Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
