I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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