Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize