Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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