So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
