Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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