All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Im part way to drunk.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
