that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
