Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
