listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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