I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
