I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
