My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude i'm inner monologue high
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
