Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
