This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
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