Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
