he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize