I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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