Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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