I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
