Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
