if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
she pinky promised me she was 18
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
