It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
