didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
