I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize