im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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