Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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