did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
