i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize