Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
