it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize