I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
