you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize