i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
