Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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