Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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