I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
