after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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