you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
