there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
