Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
