So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
