The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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