i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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