I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
