I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
