just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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