My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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