I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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