Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
