it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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