I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
