Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Randomize
