He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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