I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
