I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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