I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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